Snotlout's Expert Guide To The Workings Of The Female Mind
by harrypanther
Summary: Modern AU: Buoyed by his success in publishing his Rules of Dragon Training, Berk's most Singed dragon Rider turns his dubious expertise to a more complicated challenge...the female species. Craziness co-written with Vala411


**Snotlout's Expert Guide to the workings of the female mind**

_AN: This is what happens when two authors are bored out of their minds late at night and had probably too much to drink. CHEERS!_

_A/N 2: Disclaimer: We don't own How To Train Your Dragon. Rights remain with Cressida Cowell and Dreamworks._

**Rule 1: Do what Hiccup suggests and the opposite of what Snotlout does**

"Okay, gang-I'm going to write a follow-up to my bestseller on Dragon Keeping," Snotlout announced to the gang as they sat in the back yard behind his apartment. It was a sunny day and the small barbecue they had enjoyed had been a good excuse to catch up. Astrid and Hiccup shared a worried look: they had been approached by the authorities to write a quick manual for all those idiots who had bought dragons on the back of the admittedly-impressive publicity for the book and were causing a public nuisance with their utter inability to control the creatures.

"Really?" Fishlegs asked dubiously, looking over at Heather, his girlfriend. Husky and timid with short legs, short blonde hair and blue-green eyes, he looked an unlikely partner for the elegant slender young woman with raven hair, green eyes and determined features.

"And what will you be writing on?" Hiccup asked,his slightly nasal voice warm and supportive. Despite his issues with his cousin's poor dragon keeping advice, he wanted Snotlout to succeed…

"I'm writing my guide to the working of the female mind, using my extensive experience in dating and observing the weaker sex," Snotlout announced. There was a frosty silence, broken only by the intake of breath by Hiccup, Fishlegs and Tuffnut. The other three people present-Astrid, Heather and Ruffnut-were standing rigid with fury at the insult.

"A work of fiction?" Hiccup suggested.

"A short story?" Fishlegs added quickly, gently resting a hand on Heather's arm.

"He's barely got enough for an introduction," Astrid growled.

"Hey-I know more and I've only got a sister," Tuff added.

"You'd do better writing a 'Wit and Wisdom' book," Hiccup suggested but Snotlout gave a condescending chuckle.

"Hiccup, Hiccup-your obvious jealousy serves you ill," he scoffed. "My seminal work will be the manual for the man on a date for decades to come."

"Yeah-in the 'How Not To Do It' shelf," Heather added.

"Girls, you're very welcome to stay round and sit with me and take notes as I expound my thesis," Snotlout announced arrogantly. "I mean, your minds are simple and easy to understand so I only need five rules to sum your entire psychology up. In fact, it may be helpful for you to realise how we see you…" Hiccup leaned closer.

"Snotlout-that really isn't a good idea," he murmured. "I mean, you've already insulted Astrid and the others by calling them weaker and simple. You know arming Astrid with even a pencil is a very dangerous move and you've even annoyed Ruffnut-and she's the most relaxed of any person in the group and the closest you have _ever_ had to a girlfriend, the the way...'

"Hiccup...I know what I'm doing," Snotlout scoffed, swigging his beer. "Okay, ladies,-I'll explain my rules of the workings of your little minds and I'm certain you'll be astonished."

"I'm sure of it," Astrid said sarcastically." She looked over at her boyfriend. "I'll be back later, Babe." Hiccup desperately gestured at his cousin to change his mind but Heather, Ruff and Astrid were all exchanging glances and Snotlout was too full of his own importance to notice the warning. Hiccup sighed and beckoned to the other guys.

"Fish, Tuff-you're welcome to come round to our apartment and watch a movie while Snot...commits suicide," Hiccup sighed and kissed his girlfriend before they left and Snotlout led his audience back to the apartment. He grinned at them and gestured to the dining table while he lounged on the couch.

"Got any pencils?" Astrid asked innocently.

"In the dresser," Snotlout told her easily. "Okay...now how to explain this to your inferior intellect…"

oOo

"So they found the pencil where?" Hiccup asked, frowning as he took the call from the hospital. Astrid was sitting innocently opposite him, eating pistachio ice cream and smiling. His green eyes flicked up and she signed at him. "No, I'll let his family know. I'm sure they'll want to visit him. Yes, ICU is on the top floor, you say? Thank you." Then he hung up as Astrid put her bowl down.

"Do I even need to ask?" he asked in exasperation. She smiled and walked to his side, kissing him on the cheek.

"First rule he should learn for self-preservation is always do what you suggest and precisely the opposite of anything he says," she reminded him.

"But a pencil?" Hiccup mumbled, silently planning to lock away his art supplies.

Astrid simply smiled.

.

**Rule 2: Always have a calendar nearby with annotations**

Snotlout huffed and puffed as he climbed the stairs to his latest apartment that was on the sixth floor. The elevator hadn't worked for a week now and his short legs had to make the trip up and down several times a day. When he finally got inside and toed off his shoes he decided he might as well go watch some Golden girls on Netflix.

Snotlout opened the laptop that was on his small coffee table and clicked the app. Only nothing happened. He frowned and then whacked the screen. Still nothing. Then Snotlout looked at his taskbar and saw that the wifi had been disconnected. He clicked on it and it prompted him for a password.

"Snotman44isawesome" He typed but the wifi wouldn't connect. There was only one person who also had access to his wifi and that was Ruffnut, his sort-of possibly girlfriend for the last year. Which was surprising. His cousin Hiccup said it maybe lasted this long because she was used to dealing with her brother who was on another level of crazy. It was probably true.

Snotlout picked up his phone which had a small crack on the screen from the time Ruffnut decided to make ostrich racing a date. He dailed the familiar number and Ruff picked up on the third ring.

"Ruffnutt!" Snotlout whined a bit. "Did you change my wifi password? I was going to catch up with Dority and Blanche!"

"Yup," Ruffnut admitted. "Yours was so….. Weird."

"It was not," Snotlout grumbled. "So what did you change it to?"

"Oh just the day of our first date," Ruffnut laughed. "See ya later!"

Snotlout blinked as the call ended and then looked at his blank password textbox. "Oh fudge," he muttered.

**.**

**Rule 3: 'Ugh' is not a term of endearment**

"Face it, Babe," Snotlout said lazily as he lounged back on the sofa, legs wide and eyes closed. "I am about the most desirable male in Berk."

He paused and opened his eyes when the ringing endorsement he expected never arrived. He frowned and looked over at Astrid, who was inspecting him with a mildly horrified expression in her blue eyes. She glanced quickly over to Hiccup, who had been ill-advisedly drinking at the time of the stunning pronouncement and now seemed to be choking. Helpfully, the blonde banged Hiccup's back until he was able to breathe.

"That's your cue, Babe, to gush about my awesomeness," Snotlout prompted her and she clenched her fists before Hiccup, still coughing lightly, gently took her hand.

"Snot-Astrid isn't about to gush about your anything," he reminded his cousin. Snotlout cocked a thick eyebrow over his piercing blue gaze and then scowled. To him, Hiccup was too tall, too thin and way too auburn to be of any attraction to the opposite gender. Sure, he was clever and he had a pair of emerald eyes that Astrid seemed mesmerised by (though when he had tried wearing green contacts to see if it worked for him, the blonde had been almost incoherent with laughter) but he was scrawny, freckled and lacking in self-confidence to be a love guru.

"I don't see why not," Snotlout replied. "I mean, I get no one ever gushes over you-I mean, why would anyone moon over a talking fishbone except perhaps that dragon of yours…"

"Toothless is far too smart to moon over anything that isn't tuna, salmon or possibly sardine," Hiccup replied but his girlfriend squeezed his hand, having regained her volcanic temper.

"No, I'm hardly about to gush over you partly because I am Hiccup's girlfriend and have been for five years," she reminded him sweetly, "but mainly because you are the opposite of the most desirable male anywhere!"

"What? Are you delusional, woman?" Snotlout snapped "I am clearly the most awesomely handsome man in Berk...or maybe the Archipelago!"

"Snotlout-you have only ever had a real girlfriend-not Ruff taking pity on you and emptying your drinks cabinet-for longer than twenty four hours once-and that was because the poor unfortunate woman lost your phone number and had to get over the migraine going on a date with induced before she could find it out to dump you!" Astrid retorted. Snotlout raised a finger and opened his mouth to protest but the blonde ploughed on. "And Ruff really doesn't count because she's more of a bloke than you are. And anyway Hiccup is _gorgeous_!"

The auburn haired man blushed fiercely, dipping his head.

"Actually, I am just a scrawny fishbone who's lucky enough to be going out with the most beautiful Valkyrie anywhere," he said gently and she leaned in and kissed his scorching cheek.

"Oh, come on!" Snotlout protested. "I mean, he's only ever been with you since you got together at fifteen. He's hardly in any position to know what women want…"

"Why not? He's sensitive, thoughtful, kind, generous, he listens, he puts himself out and he asks me what I want to do…" Astrid ticked off briskly. "He's pretty perfect…"

"Now that's just insane!" Snotlout said, flexing his muscles. "I mean, I am the perfect Viking…" Hiccup scooched slightly closer to his beautiful girlfriend and cleared his throat.

"Maybe half of one...height-wise..." Astrid cut in.

"Hey!" Snotlout growled as Hiccup sighed.

"You may do better if you lose the cheesy chat up lines," he suggested.

"Maybe shower more?" Astrid added.

"And when you do, please close the bathroom door and use a shower curtain…" Hiccup added, closing his eyes. "Thor, I'll never unsee that…"

"And please close your legs," Astrid added. "You have a hole in your crotch…" Snotlout gave a lazy smile.

"I've never had any complaints, Babe," he told her obliviously. "They all love me!" Astrid sighed.

"Snotlout-'ugh' is not a term of endearment," she explained as Hiccup almost choked on his tea once more.

**.**

**Rule 4: Do not touch a woman's chocolates**

Mala hummed happily as she closed the door to her home. Her roommates weren't home yet and after a long day at the office she was ready to kick back and relax. She might even do her nails or soak in the tub with a glass of wine and her favorite chocolates. Those lovely Belgian milk chocolates filled with cinnamon. Those were to die for and she always saved those because they were a seasonal thing. It was so hard to find them in the summer and when Throk had gifted her a pound of the delicious confectionaries during Snoggletog she immediately put them in a safe place in her fridge, eating them only as a special treat when she had a particularly stressful day.

Mala rummaged in the cupboard and pulled out a wine glass before going over to her small wine rack and choosing a nice sweet Rose. Then she made her way towards her fridge but froze when she stared at the empty space on the bottom shelf. She placed her hand there for good measure to see if she was dreaming. Then she pinched herself. Nope. Not dreaming. Her chocolate was gone.

Mala took out her phone and typed in the group app "WHICH CRETIN STOLE MY CHOCOLATE?!"

Astrid was the first to respond with a "WHAT?!"

Heather followed with an "Oh no they didn't!"

Fishlegs asked "What was so special about this chocolate?"

Astrid was quicker at typing and answered before Mala could. "Dude, it's the cinnamony one."

"Oh Thor," Fishlegs typed. "Dead man walking."

"Dead man indeed," Mala typed as she read the chat. "I'm getting my spear!"

"Well it wasn't me. I'm still at work." Astrid typed in the chat and it was followed by a few sad emojis.

"I haven't been over," Hiccup now typed. "Sorry, was driving. Had to park."

"I haven't been there since last week. Bunking with bro. Who is looking over my shoulder." Ruffnut added and following that was a pensive emoji. "Wait, I sent Snotlout to get my cashmere sweater. You know the one I left on the couch."

"Snotlout?!" Astrid typed.

"Where is he?" Hiccup then asked.

"I see that he's online," Mala checked before typing "SNOTLOUT I KNOW YOU'RE LURKING! DID YOU TOUCH MY CHOCOLATES?!"

Finally Snotlout typed something. Everyone looked at the typing icon until only a single emoji emerged a full minute later. That emoji was of a man running away.

"SNOTLOUT WAIT UNTIL I GET MY HANDS ON YOU!" Mala furiously typed before going offline and probably going to track down the culprit.

"Run Snot Run!" Astrid typed gleefully.

"You think he's going to hide out in Antarctica?" Fishlegs asked.

"Antarctica won't be far enough," Heather typed before adding some rocket and planet emojis.

The chat was silent for a couple of minutes before they changed subject. "So anyone up for some cheesy fries?" Heather asked.

**.**

**Rule 5: When a woman says 'it's fine', run!**

Ruffnut was seated with the others for movie night. She had a big red plastic bowl of buttery popcorn on her lap and was eagerly watching old reruns of The Green Hornet with the others.

Snotlout was sneaking some of her popcorn but she didn't mind. When a commercial popped up the gang stretched their legs a bit.

"Yo Hiccup, don't forget about paintballing this Saturday," Snotlout stated. "The last time I had to climb through your window to get your behind out of bed because Toothless wouldn't let me inside."

"Wait, this Saturday?" Ruffnut asked as she overheard the conversation.

"Yeah, why?" Snotlout asked with a furrow of his brows.

"We were going to go to that flower arranging class Saturday," Ruffnut muttered.

"Flower arranging?" Astrid mouthed silently to Hiccup as the gang turned their attention to the conversation.

"Well… uhm… babe," Snotlout coughed. "You know the guys and I always go paintballing on Saturday. Maybe we could reschedule?"

"Oh don't worry Snot, it's_ fine_," Ruffnut ground out as her hands started wringing the popcorn bowl. Hiccup made a few motions with his hands to signal Snotlout to abort but he wasn't looking. As usual. "You and your friends go have fun," she muttered.

"Sweet!" Snotlout nodded and then fell backwards as popcorn exploded all over the place. "WHAT THE HELL!"

"Oh… I seem to have broken the bowl," Ruffnut stated nonchalantly. "I'll go get a broom." She stood up brusquely, causing the popcorn to fall on the couch and floor, and walked to the kitchen.

"But that bowl was plastic," Snotlout mumbled. "Just what has gotten into her?"

"Not you if you can't figure it out you airhead," Heather made a crude joke which caused Fishlegs, who was sitting next to her, to choke on his soda, turn red, and sputter. Needless to say, Snotlout didn't figure it out and the gang also didn't find him until the next week. He was hiding out in Tijuana.

**.**

**Rule 6: Amendment to Rule 5. This also counts if a woman starts a conversation with 'Honey we need to talk.'**

Going steady with Minden had been the best thing that Snotlout had ever done since Ruffnut completely refused to talk to him/answer his texts/open the door/acknowledge he even existed after the popcorn/flower arranging incident. After meeting at a dragon-training event where Snotlout had been determiend to show off his fame and amazing knowledge, they had managed three dates and Snotlout had even got to second base. Admittedly, she was a little clingy and had already moved a suitcase in...along with a lot of cushions onto the couch...but Snotlout was happy overall. She cooked, did the laundry, her little Razorwhip baby chewed the table legs and she chattered about how much she enjoyed spending time with him. Smug that he could now boast to Hiccup that he had a _proper_ steady girlfriend who wasn't Ruffnut, he was happy to allow her to move his things around and put several of his medals and trophies away to make room for her dragon ornaments.

By the fifth date, she was staying overnight and Hookfang was now relegated to the roof while her little Razorwhip had a padded cage in the middle of the living room. Snotlout got back from work and realised that most of his things were boxed up and his living room was now neat and clean with newly-washed carpets, ornaments and a couch heaped with cushions. There were pink flowers in a vase on the coffee table and scented wax was melting in a burner.

"Hey, honey-we need to talk," Minden told him, her brown eyes cheerful as she looked up from the kitchen. She was baking. She gestured. "Do you like the apartment?" Snotlout glanced around.

"My things…" he mouthed but she grinned.

"Well, if we're moving in together, I will need my things here-and frankly, they're much nicer than your batchelor stuff. We'll have a rota to clean the bathroom, I'll help you scrub Hookfang down and I'm putting you on a healthy vegan diet. And no alcohol, of course…"

"But...but…" Snotlout gabbled, his eyes swinging wildly around a room that looked nothing like his own home. "My apartment!" Minden grinned.

"I have a tofu curry in the oven along with kale juice...I'm sure you'll get to love it…" she said enthusiastically. "And as we're in a proper relationship, we can start going out for dinner dates, I'll have you on alcohol-free wine and we can start volunteering as a couple to litter pick in Berk's Parks and clean out cages in the dragon sanctuary and...Snotty? Where are you going?"

But Snotlout was already out of the door, accelerating to a sprint. He had certainly never seen this coming-and suddenly, he began to doubt his expertise after all. Minden had been his girlfriend...so wasn't she supposed to do what he said, not the other way round, right? But his apartment was clean and smelled of rose and vanilla and was absolutely _bursting_ with cushions...

"One rule I do know…" he muttered as he raced down to the yard. "When someone says 'honey, we need to talk...you run…" He paused and peered up towards the roof and the orange and black shape dozing there. "HOOKFANG? HOOKFANG! GET ME OUTTA HERE! We need to tell Hiccup-the book is off. Women are just too difficult..even for me…"

**Harry: "The End."**

**Vala: "Don't you mean, The End?"**

**Harry: "Why?"**

**Vala: "Like we aren't going to get tipsy again."**

**Harry: "Riiiight."**

**-The End?-**


End file.
